Talking Shit
In this episode...
In this episode of "Afraid to Ask," Jamie and his more regular half Dr. Erika explore if women shit, and if so if it’s more or less often then men. They answer a listener question about average poops per day and why bathroom reading is so disgusting and why you should probably just use the pages of the book as toilet paper.
Chapters
00:00 - Do Women Shit?
03:20 - How Often Do People Shit?
05:20 - Female Public Peeing Techniques
06:25 - Healthiest Choice At McDonalds
06:45 - A Honey Pot
09:00 - Burning Man
11:00 - Solutions For Peeing While Traveling
12:15 - How Often Should You Poop
13:00 - Average Pooping Minutes Per Day By Gender
13:50 - Exclamation Point
15:45 - Someone Needs To Go To A Hospital
16:16 - Why Are People In The Bathroom For So Long?
18:50 - Why Bathroom Books Are Disgusting
19:45 - Why Women Love Baskets
21:00 - The real lure of National Geographic revealed to Dr. Erika
23:00 - The Sears Catalog
30:20 - Risks Of Making A Sex Tape
32:50 - Erika’s Audio Porn
About the Podcast
Comedian Jamie Lissow and his smarter half Dr. Erika answer all kinds of medical, dating, sex, divorce, questions some might be afraid to ask. Listen & subscribe for prescriptions and punchlines.
Mentioned in this episode:
Warning:
This is an uncensored podcast that will include adult language and topics. Viewer discretion is advised.
Transcript
check 1 2 well
Speaker:hello there boyfriend how are you this fine day
Speaker:I'm really good is it working
Speaker:yes excellent let's not talk shit
Speaker:I'm afraid to ask but I have a great question
Speaker:I don't even know what I was gonna say
Speaker:I'm so disturbed right now
Speaker:wow let's talk about poop talking about poop yeah okay
Speaker:this is from John and Seattle oh
Speaker:I've been dating a girl
Speaker:I'm going to see how I say that
Speaker:I'm going to see how soon though to do some shows
Speaker:details TBA
Speaker:uh John from Seattle
Speaker:I've been dating a girl for almost a year
Speaker:we've been dating almost a year
Speaker:right buddy yeah woohoo
Speaker:I'm a man okay apparently
Speaker:he thinks there's a lot of female Johns out there
Speaker:you never know these days
Speaker:I'm a man
Speaker:I poop all the time and also pass gas on occasion
Speaker:I have never
Speaker:once heard my girlfriend do either of these things
Speaker:is she hiding it or do women poop
Speaker:and I hate the word fart and what is it flatulate
Speaker:do they have less gas do they fart less
Speaker:it's a good question it's a good question
Speaker:well
Speaker:I can absolutely tell you what I get in my my office
Speaker:I I don't have a specific study where I can quote you
Speaker:but men absolutely from what I have seen
Speaker:have more regular bowel movements
Speaker:women tend to be more predisposed to IBS
Speaker:so irritable bowel syndrome
Speaker:where they will have more gas bloating distension
Speaker:really yeah
Speaker:well it does happen around menstrual cycles
Speaker:you do have more water retention and flatulence
Speaker:distension and high pressure and gas
Speaker:that's why I'm not familiar with that
Speaker:I would go out of town and then on top of whatever
Speaker:women tend to be more constipated than men in general
Speaker:I don't have a stat to pull up though
Speaker:but this is just what I've seen
Speaker:um but absolutely absolutely
Speaker:you think she's hiding
Speaker:oh she's pooping
Speaker:she's alive isn't she
Speaker:she's pooping she's just not doing it in front of them
Speaker:but if you don't poop for a long time
Speaker:you die right
Speaker:if you don't pee for a long time
Speaker:don't you die you would have like
Speaker:that sounds bad is bad
Speaker:well urinary retention is really bad
Speaker:you would have bladder distension in pain
Speaker:so I don't think you'd be able to hold it forever
Speaker:but you could have a backflow through your uterus
Speaker:into your kidneys hydronephrosis with like
Speaker:fluid in the kidneys swelling is bad
Speaker:yeah so if you have a block at you
Speaker:you can't urinate yes
Speaker:I don't think anyone could physically
Speaker:physiologically hold their pee until they died
Speaker:you don't even hurt too bad
Speaker:yeah cause
Speaker:you know with little animals
Speaker:sometimes they don't pee and you put them in warm water
Speaker:right to get them to pee
Speaker:ever heard that no
Speaker:I've heard of like
Speaker:dipping a person's hand in warm water to make
Speaker:them pee when they're sleeping
Speaker:I think it's similar to that
Speaker:maybe we should try it not in my bed though
Speaker:I used to do that I would put yeah
Speaker:I would pee the bed all the time
Speaker:if my hand was wrapped around a whiskey bottle hmm
Speaker:that's it this is okay that's about the exact time
Speaker:I wanna find a study for you
Speaker:I'm very interested in this question who poops more
Speaker:I absolutely know that it's men
Speaker:every single time I've had a woman and a man
Speaker:especially couples come to see me
Speaker:we talk about you guys all the time
Speaker:he poops all the time
Speaker:he drinks his coffee and 20 minutes later he poops
Speaker:I can't poop for four days
Speaker:do you know what you're supposed to do
Speaker:as far as how often you're supposed to poop
Speaker:how about that
Speaker:that's a good one how often am I supposed to poop
Speaker:I was about to prove
Speaker:this guy was saying that she never poops
Speaker:she absolutely does at least a couple times a week well
Speaker:I was about to prove your
Speaker:I was about to make it
Speaker:so you don't even need a study by this um
Speaker:this case study oh
Speaker:that I know about what yourself
Speaker:yeah I'm a hiding pooper well
Speaker:I think anybody with self respect is like
Speaker:I'm gonna flee the door open and be like
Speaker:tell me about your day don't you think people get
Speaker:great point only a year
Speaker:this is only been a year they've been together
Speaker:had they been married 10 years
Speaker:he would be like yeah
Speaker:this is what's right he would know more
Speaker:but she's she's in the court like the courting phase
Speaker:you know what I think is interesting
Speaker:remember
Speaker:when you had to pull over on the side of the road
Speaker:cause I had to pee so badly
Speaker:oh yeah I thought you were gonna say the time I did
Speaker:but I appreciate you you know
Speaker:you've never peed on side of the road
Speaker:I remember the panic we talked about it in like our
Speaker:one of our first podcast
Speaker:where I drink two giant red eyes by mistake
Speaker:and I needed you to pull up yeah
Speaker:but you got a bathroom you you had self respect
Speaker:I just pissed on the side of the road
Speaker:what was funny is in front of you
Speaker:and you took a picture of me
Speaker:you asshole I did go post that in the show now
Speaker:but I wasn't embarrassed
Speaker:I had to pee so bad that I was like
Speaker:just fucking pull over isn't it funny that when you
Speaker:I got would have taken the arrest ticket or whatever
Speaker:it's called public expo
Speaker:I don't give a shit
Speaker:decent exposure that just give me the pee relief oh
Speaker:you know what's funny about that
Speaker:but if I had to poop
Speaker:I would have held that shit until I passed out
Speaker:I wouldn't have shit myself on
Speaker:the side of the road in front of you yes
Speaker:good point yeah
Speaker:we were driving it's hard to tell when someone
Speaker:you know how you're saying to somebody like
Speaker:oh I have to go to the bathroom and they're like
Speaker:oh I know that feeling you have to pee
Speaker:I remember the moment which I realized that you we were
Speaker:you were going to take over the wheel steering
Speaker:if we didn't put like
Speaker:I remember the point I was like
Speaker:oh my gosh
Speaker:and then you did this technique I've never heard before
Speaker:cause people will say like
Speaker:oh guys
Speaker:have it easier because we could just like whip it out
Speaker:go behind a tree you have a little more complicated
Speaker:but I was very impressed
Speaker:you go turn down this road I go
Speaker:I don't know what this is gonna
Speaker:I don't know what's down that road
Speaker:there's no coffee shop cause I said
Speaker:do you wanna go to a we have different like bathroom
Speaker:how we feel about like bathrooms
Speaker:clean or like gas station bathroom
Speaker:I go there's a gas station for you said no way
Speaker:well but I was also wearing slippers
Speaker:cause I didn't think I'd have to pee
Speaker:remember we just went out to run an errand really fast
Speaker:but if you were in pajamas with slippers
Speaker:I didn't have tennis shoes on
Speaker:if you were wearing tennis shoes
Speaker:would you gone to the gas station
Speaker:I would have gone into the
Speaker:doctor's office that we were next to okay
Speaker:but you I remember saying to you
Speaker:McDonald's bathroom and you're like nope
Speaker:I had tennis shoes on
Speaker:and we were near a McDonald's bathroom
Speaker:I would have gone in okay
Speaker:so this is more about the slippers
Speaker:if it was a Porta potty
Speaker:I would absolutely pee outside in the grass
Speaker:standing up
Speaker:one leg up back where you would not have done
Speaker:you're going to an outhouse report party
Speaker:if I can avoid it
Speaker:do you know the healthiest choice at McDonald's
Speaker:this is just shit in the bathroom and leave yeah
Speaker:I'm sure porta potty oh
Speaker:they call some honey pots have you seen that brand
Speaker:I do not like that that sounds like sexual thing yeah
Speaker:it sounds like isn't it
Speaker:isn't it like I have a honey pot in a vagina
Speaker:the honey pot
Speaker:I'm gonna look it up I thought a honey pot no
Speaker:I know what it is it's um a honey pot
Speaker:it's a honey pot
Speaker:is when you turn on a girl on an electric blanket
Speaker:and then you pour sugar in her vagina
Speaker:what that doesn't even make sense honey pot
Speaker:it's where you why is there an electric blanket
Speaker:you put honey on her vagina
Speaker:and then you release a bunch of bees
Speaker:and you try to get her before the bees do what
Speaker:honey pot you get high you should stop
Speaker:you your pee technique by the way
Speaker:porta potty can I yeah yeah yeah
Speaker:I'd like to say I don't know what it is
Speaker:often times when I see a porta potty
Speaker:it's a better idea to just use the restroom
Speaker:behind the porta potty oh
Speaker:for sure
Speaker:just those are the woods or whatever to just go behind
Speaker:use the porta potty to obstruct porta potties
Speaker:if you go behind it
Speaker:you ever look in a porta potty
Speaker:where the where the toilet is
Speaker:that's look inside of it yeah
Speaker:so you know yeah
Speaker:that's where Satan goes when he's done something bad
Speaker:you don't Alaska no
Speaker:we have porta potties port means portable
Speaker:obviously
Speaker:there's someone Alaska that are slightly perm
Speaker:perma potty but it's on the side of a road
Speaker:and you go in there and I swear
Speaker:I went in there once
Speaker:and I looked into the hole where you
Speaker:I saw I think I saw generations of shit
Speaker:like I think I saw a man shit
Speaker:and then way below was his grandfather's shit
Speaker:frozen too right
Speaker:general in the winter but this doesn't smell so bad
Speaker:it's not like a hot concert oh
Speaker:I saw this in the in the summer
Speaker:cause we're going to Denali
Speaker:which you only really go like
Speaker:can you imagine if there was a Burning Man Porta body
Speaker:how bad that would be like you're at Burning Man
Speaker:everyone should shit
Speaker:just on the side of the fucking dirt
Speaker:I don't really want burning man burning man
Speaker:I really wanna go do you interesting
Speaker:I have like this when someone says it I'm like yeah
Speaker:but I don't have any information about it yeah
Speaker:we'd have to come up with like some really cool
Speaker:like thing to barter with people
Speaker:I wanna like do it right like yeah
Speaker:leather chaps and shit
Speaker:wow well
Speaker:not okay this is weird
Speaker:this is so weird what I went to burning man
Speaker:com and has a bunch of suggestions for herpes
Speaker:burning man you did a joke about that once
Speaker:I feel like I'm Gutfeld oh yeah
Speaker:we got a burning when it pees or something
Speaker:might have been that exact joke
Speaker:it's very possible um
Speaker:I don't remember what we're talking about now
Speaker:we were talking about
Speaker:you were impressed that I use like
Speaker:the thing that people stand on in cars as like
Speaker:a seat to lean against
Speaker:and just like spread my legs out
Speaker:and what are people stand on in cars
Speaker:like the little footstep thing up
Speaker:oh yeah it was amazing
Speaker:sorry impressed by you're right
Speaker:you said pulled on this road there's no anything yeah
Speaker:there's no business what are you gonna do
Speaker:and then I pull over you go here
Speaker:right here there's no there's no house
Speaker:then you open the door
Speaker:and you use the door to make like a triangular tent
Speaker:yeah open the drive
Speaker:that's right and the back door
Speaker:so I've got two doors on each side
Speaker:so I have a little wall yeah
Speaker:clearly it's not my first time
Speaker:take a picture of the back door
Speaker:I did take a picture I like that we sometimes take uh
Speaker:pictures of each other too
Speaker:I don't take pictures of you peeing
Speaker:I've never taken a picture of you peeing no
Speaker:but it was awesome I was like super impressed well
Speaker:I was super relieved yeah uh
Speaker:it's I will pee outside 10 out of 10 times
Speaker:and never go into a porta potty
Speaker:fuck that shit
Speaker:you had to go that day
Speaker:I feel bad that I took so long to pull over
Speaker:I didn't realize how serious it was
Speaker:it sounded like when you started peeing
Speaker:I should pee really bad
Speaker:right now that we're talking about it
Speaker:me too it sounded like um
Speaker:no I'm serious
Speaker:do you know what
Speaker:the carnival where you shoot the God laughing goes up
Speaker:that's what it sounded like when you peed
Speaker:it was like so powerful keep talking
Speaker:I'm just gonna pee right here
Speaker:no go
Speaker:um do you wanna take a pee break
Speaker:we totally can
Speaker:ah just take a pee breath
Speaker:I was just saying I know you missed my whole joke
Speaker:I did
Speaker:it's kind of difficult to try to be funny for like
Speaker:when you're a comedian did I did I miss it
Speaker:well I was trying
Speaker:I'd got cut off I was gonna be like
Speaker:I need to pee right here
Speaker:oh of course you could
Speaker:skills sometimes you know they have like a
Speaker:what's it called
Speaker:a wizzy or something
Speaker:it's like a funnel for women that you can put
Speaker:like in your car and take when you're camping
Speaker:or whatever and you just like put it there with a tube
Speaker:it's like a funnel to pee in to the slide makes
Speaker:it makes a dick
Speaker:right fuck I'm gonna go isn't that what it's like
Speaker:so you're making
Speaker:you're basically making a penis out of the funnel right
Speaker:the funnel is like that's what I just have all day long
Speaker:by the way the go to
Speaker:I have a theory that
Speaker:the reason Gatorade bottles have wide mouths
Speaker:so I can piss it
Speaker:you took a break to pee and you were so cute in there
Speaker:that I wish I could include what happened
Speaker:I haven't recorded on the camera
Speaker:just the audio that I was moaning in satisfaction yeah
Speaker:it was really yeah
Speaker:your sight it felt great I'm good to go now
Speaker:so I guess you can't answer the question
Speaker:you said that she's definitely is pooping and farting
Speaker:she is hiding it from him but I have said this before
Speaker:but I also think that the frequency is different
Speaker:men tend to poop a lot more oh
Speaker:that's what I was gonna tell you
Speaker:the average person poops anywhere between
Speaker:three times a day
Speaker:to every once every three days
Speaker:that's a crazy it's a big range
Speaker:ideally you'd poop every day
Speaker:because you're trying to rid your body of toxins
Speaker:the more regular you are we do believe
Speaker:can decrease the risk of certain colorectal diseases
Speaker:um so there's something to it
Speaker:I don't I was looking up studies
Speaker:I'm gonna cut you off so all this is interesting hit me
Speaker:I don't know where this came from
Speaker:I thought it was funny
Speaker:an online survey by a bathroom retailer
Speaker:suggested men spend up to 14 minutes a day pooping
Speaker:compared to women who reported they spend almost
Speaker:how many minutes do you think a day pooping
Speaker:seven 8
Speaker:well done I'm so glad you brought this up
Speaker:I was about to say
Speaker:what I was about to say when you said
Speaker:I'm gonna interrupt you this is so crazy
Speaker:it has to do exactly with that what I don't
Speaker:no one cares but I barely do this once a day
Speaker:the pooping thing you barely poop once a day
Speaker:how do you barely poop
Speaker:you like half poop
Speaker:I have you squeeze out half
Speaker:pinch it off and then save the rest for the next day
Speaker:I don't know what a regular ball movement
Speaker:I'm Rick he's on very uncomfortable
Speaker:I don't like any of this type of talk
Speaker:you want it to be the shape of a C or an S
Speaker:you want to be soft easy to push out
Speaker:you're not squeezing like crazy
Speaker:but you want it to be in like a big long log
Speaker:big piece you don't want little tiny pieces
Speaker:if it's like rabbit poop
Speaker:that means you're super constipated
Speaker:you know what I had today
Speaker:exclamation point haha
Speaker:is that bad started off good
Speaker:I looked down on the toilet
Speaker:you say hey
Speaker:stop yelling at me much about poop though
Speaker:toilet surprised
Speaker:cause it had a big
Speaker:like it was sad that it had to swallow that yeah
Speaker:I don't what I sang Guffald the other day
Speaker:I said I was in the bathroom so bad
Speaker:I was in a restroom in the bathroom
Speaker:so bad that this guy went to the bathroom
Speaker:the toilet threw up in the sink
Speaker:it was so funny I saw that when I watched that one
Speaker:so thank you
Speaker:but the reason I brought it up twofold has to do
Speaker:has to do has to do with what you're saying
Speaker:I don't understand I used to work at
Speaker:the only job I've ever had
Speaker:where I worked in a building with other people
Speaker:like I've never had a job where I had co workers
Speaker:except for like Arby's but I worked at a radio station
Speaker:with all these other people
Speaker:every morning I would we drink tons of coffee
Speaker:and I go to every morning at like
Speaker:we get up at 4 because we
Speaker:our morning show started at 5 is really early
Speaker:I go in this bathroom at 5:00
Speaker:and it was a restroom for like a bunch of people
Speaker:the whole floor had to be someone on our morning show
Speaker:because we're the only people there
Speaker:I would go into that restroom
Speaker:and I know it's cleaned every night
Speaker:cause I've been in it at night
Speaker:it's fine everything's fine
Speaker:when I walk in that bathroom at 5 in the morning
Speaker:uh huh I felt like I was inside of an actual asshole
Speaker:like I was in like an ass like a haunted house
Speaker:it was like a just a just people say all the time
Speaker:I was punched in the face by the smell of this
Speaker:I'm inside of an asshole
Speaker:what do you mean oh
Speaker:there's a blow up one at a health fair
Speaker:is a rectum and an anus
Speaker:and I got to walk through it like a tunnel
Speaker:and see polyps
Speaker:and describe cancers and sores and lumps
Speaker:and what a colonoscopy does man
Speaker:I've never thought I'd be happier to hear about cancer
Speaker:lumps after you say you're inside of an asshole
Speaker:that was a really nice clarification
Speaker:sigh of relief
Speaker:here's my question
Speaker:I go back on the air that day and I go somebody yeah
Speaker:I go somebody it's every day though yeah
Speaker:so I go in there and I go
Speaker:someone in here has to go to the hospital
Speaker:you're creepy we have to go to the hospital
Speaker:and don't you feel up to it right
Speaker:no no one did
Speaker:but
Speaker:do you think there's something wrong with that person
Speaker:here's my question
Speaker:I think there's something wrong with that person
Speaker:it was this is very
Speaker:it was so bad I got think something's wrong with him
Speaker:maybe he's getting rid of his toxins and he's fine
Speaker:but the other thing is
Speaker:I don't understand person in bathroom for a long time
Speaker:going number two
Speaker:well the thing that I read though
Speaker:it wasn't taking and quantified or qualified data
Speaker:it was just self reported information
Speaker:like 14 versus 8 minutes
Speaker:is that because men typically poop more than once a day
Speaker:so the time spent
Speaker:is because they're in the bathroom twice pooping
Speaker:is it because they prefer to be on their phone
Speaker:surfing the internet for a while
Speaker:and they're distracted it didn't extrapolate anything
Speaker:it just said self reported information
Speaker:so I have no idea so I'm asking so I'm
Speaker:I'm this is not a true medical study
Speaker:I just thought it was funny that they said that
Speaker:men are in the bathroom more than women
Speaker:it is very interesting and I think it was uh
Speaker:I read that study if you dig deeper
Speaker:men with iPhones poop for 28 minutes
Speaker:and men without iPhones poop for 10 seconds
Speaker:that's how they count to fourteen
Speaker:my question is more of a on a personal note
Speaker:like don't you know p I know people
Speaker:I'm not telling you my study
Speaker:I know people that go and go into the bag go
Speaker:where did that person go
Speaker:like what are they doing in there
Speaker:I go into the restroom I think it's about 15 seconds
Speaker:you the clean up if you have some
Speaker:you have some white piece that's short
Speaker:I do everything pretty cool
Speaker:I'm pretty quick
Speaker:I feel like I'm always rushing even if I'm pooping
Speaker:I'm like I gotta get out there nothing to do
Speaker:I gotta get back out there
Speaker:I'm always rushing
Speaker:and I just wonder what are they doing in there
Speaker:I know there's phones
Speaker:but everything is quick is not quick not everything wow
Speaker:maybe I'm haven't cut that as a promenulence
Speaker:played over and over
Speaker:I guess my question is it's hard to be like sexual
Speaker:after talking about you shitting though
Speaker:it is but so so little of my day I spent shitting
Speaker:I said wipey wipes and I said sexy guy
Speaker:am I the only one that calls him wifey wipes
Speaker:by the way you're very quick to point out things
Speaker:I say different than everyone else in the world
Speaker:like I say calm wrong I guess calm
Speaker:I don't know I don't call my saying
Speaker:I don't call anything that I use for my ass
Speaker:a wipey wipe but what do you call it
Speaker:not that what do you call the package in your bathroom
Speaker:that has the butt wipes
Speaker:oh that's way better
Speaker:I thought
Speaker:you're gonna have some sort of proper name for them
Speaker:wow butt wipes anal sanitization cloths
Speaker:yeah that's closer
Speaker:now I can talk toilet non doctor talk I know
Speaker:I just didn't know if wipey
Speaker:wipes is one of these things
Speaker:I was saying wrong I believe
Speaker:that's probably something
Speaker:you should x from your vocabulary
Speaker:going forward okay
Speaker:well I go I go real quick some guys are in there
Speaker:I have a theory
Speaker:you know
Speaker:I think they're doing in there not pooping yeah
Speaker:and this happened before phones
Speaker:don't you remember people in the bathroom is before
Speaker:there's like books and stuff magazine
Speaker:I feel like I hate a bathroom book
Speaker:why do you have it especially in a guest bathroom
Speaker:what do you have a magazine
Speaker:that means
Speaker:anybody who had enough time to look at the magazine
Speaker:was shitting so they're holding it
Speaker:and then they're wiping their ass
Speaker:are they touching the magazine again
Speaker:that magazine is probably filthy
Speaker:if you just go into pee
Speaker:you're not gonna flip through a book
Speaker:you're right I I I was in someone and I saw
Speaker:are you encouraging people to like
Speaker:sit in your guest bathroom and just shit for an hour
Speaker:you're right and who gets to the end of that book
Speaker:that's why it's creepy
Speaker:I have the most uncomfortable toilet
Speaker:I want everybody in and out
Speaker:what if there was a bookmark in the book
Speaker:they're coming back for more
Speaker:I was I was in someone's house once my mom
Speaker:I think my parents use it very funny
Speaker:thanks bookmark yeah
Speaker:they're like oh
Speaker:I'll read the rest of that book when I'm over it
Speaker:Erica's house shitting
Speaker:I'm gonna eat a bunch of food
Speaker:so I can read the end of that book
Speaker:I'm reading at your house
Speaker:the bookmark my mom used to have
Speaker:what is that
Speaker:I don't need you to laugh at my joke
Speaker:when you don't want to laugh at my joke
Speaker:sometimes in my head
Speaker:I'm thinking something and that is why
Speaker:but I was at either my mom's or someone's house
Speaker:that a basket
Speaker:as I say something that I remembered
Speaker:you have a women empowerment sweatshirt
Speaker:sometimes I'm about to say to me
Speaker:this is offensive I was gonna go
Speaker:women love baskets
Speaker:you guys love you love a basket
Speaker:I don't know one guy that's like
Speaker:get in here guys look at this basket
Speaker:you love baskets don't you
Speaker:I love baskets I have them
Speaker:quit looking around my bedroom
Speaker:at the baskets in my bedroom women
Speaker:I don't know one guy that's like
Speaker:I gotta go buy baskets today
Speaker:we're always buying baskets
Speaker:so in the bathroom there's a basket haha
Speaker:I remember when you redid your bedroom
Speaker:which is beautiful you have incredible taste
Speaker:I have no taste
Speaker:but I remember I came here and you were like
Speaker:my bedroom's almost done I got the new bed
Speaker:I got the new dresser I got the lamp
Speaker:the end table I'm thinking that's everything
Speaker:you're almost there
Speaker:I just need some white stones and some plates
Speaker:I didn't say that I didn't say I needed a basket though
Speaker:true
Speaker:my mom or someone in the bathroom
Speaker:had National Geographics in the basket
Speaker:that you could read no
Speaker:so now it's like you're right
Speaker:there's fecal minor on them now
Speaker:National Geographics there's semen on it
Speaker:you jerked off to National Geographic
Speaker:are you being serious that you don't know this
Speaker:are you being serious that you jerked off to like
Speaker:tribal sub saharan
Speaker:like it's not just me pictures or to the elephants
Speaker:no if you squint
Speaker:that trunk looks like a
Speaker:no if not
Speaker:I'm not kidding you not proud of this
Speaker:but I'm not masturbated to like tribal pictures
Speaker:listen sometimes it was to a car advertisement of a car
Speaker:I couldn't where they were explaining their heritage
Speaker:and their culture and like
Speaker:I'm gonna be honest with you
Speaker:I didn't read the part about the culture
Speaker:because her titties were showing
Speaker:are you you're genuinely being serious right now
Speaker:I'm super disgusted this is not just me
Speaker:it's a thing that's not a thing
Speaker:where was a fucking playboy when you needed it
Speaker:that's the point though is when you're too young
Speaker:you could never get a playboy
Speaker:you're like 15 16 years old
Speaker:we would look at those are often times
Speaker:pictures of impoverished countries
Speaker:where people were having like
Speaker:like I don't know
Speaker:like polio and even bone deformities
Speaker:listen even hotter
Speaker:like man
Speaker:she banged me for a pair of socks
Speaker:that's not funny
Speaker:I'm not kidding I only did this maybe
Speaker:I don't even know if I ever did it
Speaker:maybe once in my whole life
Speaker:I'm gonna call up your mom
Speaker:and I'm gonna tell her what you did to her
Speaker:National Geographics
Speaker:you know what else we did
Speaker:the Encyclopedia Britannica haha
Speaker:serious catalogue you did not heard that phrase before
Speaker:you did not do you know that
Speaker:the
Speaker:the lady with the bangs and the Christmas turtleneck
Speaker:you fuckter do you know this is not just me
Speaker:I am telling you something that I don't
Speaker:every guy over 40 no
Speaker:if you were to Google this
Speaker:what were you masturbating to in a serious catalogue
Speaker:the bra section no you were not bras and underwear
Speaker:you would open it and look at a bra
Speaker:and you grab your penis to a bra yeah
Speaker:there's some good stuff in there lingerie
Speaker:tires refrigerators
Speaker:some of the men's men problem lawn mowers
Speaker:asked me to do a toolbox we were very poor
Speaker:I would sometimes mess
Speaker:this is not an economical situation all joking aside
Speaker:we couldn't get a hold of naked pictures of women
Speaker:and the closest thing was
Speaker:everyone's father
Speaker:was like a nipple on a National Geographic
Speaker:and I'm not the only one
Speaker:and then there was also the Sears catalogue
Speaker:if you ask anybody over probably 40
Speaker:if you just go you know like your friend's husband
Speaker:that we were just talking about
Speaker:if you called him up and said I say Sears catalog
Speaker:what do you think of bullshit
Speaker:he will write back masturbation
Speaker:what friend the one that was here today yeah
Speaker:if you I'm gonna text him how old
Speaker:I'm gonna text him right now
Speaker:how old is he he just turned 40 say what
Speaker:Jamie wants to know
Speaker:what comes to mind when I say the words serious
Speaker:catalogue
Speaker:your first thought when I say the word says
Speaker:Sears catalogue this is fascinating for me
Speaker:he's not gonna write back titties yeah he is
Speaker:a Sears catalogue I mean there's no way
Speaker:it was Christmas sweaters and appliances
Speaker:that's what I remember why are you such a perv
Speaker:cause there was nothing no
Speaker:I'm so angry we had nothing
Speaker:it's disturbing it's not about being poor or wealthy no
Speaker:I'm sorry we had nothing
Speaker:the wealthy kids had a bunch of penthouses everywhere
Speaker:we were no no
Speaker:I mean playboys I mean like you know what I mean
Speaker:I don't mean poor I mean
Speaker:we were not like the scarcity of nudity is in
Speaker:is is the resource in which I was poor
Speaker:I'm not talking about economically
Speaker:I'm saying like
Speaker:there were not a lot of nipples hanging around
Speaker:if they were I was related to him
Speaker:god
Speaker:I didn't think you could make this conversation worse
Speaker:I would love to show you my computer screen right now
Speaker:if he writes back
Speaker:he will there's a 0% chance he doesn't 0
Speaker:I think he's normal I think he's gonna write back um
Speaker:my mom used that to buy us Christmas presents
Speaker:and then you're gonna look like an asshole
Speaker:if you masturbates to fucking
Speaker:if it's longhorn sheep in National Geographic
Speaker:because their nipples are hanging
Speaker:this is fascinating because I think you missed it
Speaker:because you're young and a woman
Speaker:I had Sears catalogues I'm not a perv
Speaker:did you did women look at did you have any kind of
Speaker:no the first time I ever had a sexual interest
Speaker:I was 12 or 13 and I just like explored with myself
Speaker:I never looked at a magazine
Speaker:I never once like
Speaker:ripped open colon ads and saw the guys naked chest
Speaker:and was like oh fuck yeah
Speaker:thank you Vogue never there was a car magazine
Speaker:which is way less disturbing than what you're doing
Speaker:anyway there's a
Speaker:I'm trying to think of the female equivalent
Speaker:that would be National Geode fucking graphic
Speaker:it's not I'm not alone in this
Speaker:I'm not alone in this
Speaker:the whole tribe with the cities hanging out were there
Speaker:too yeah
Speaker:I'm thinking of that I used to buy this one magazine
Speaker:I don't even want to know it was a cover for me
Speaker:swear to God don't don't fucking say Toys R Us no
Speaker:was automotive the giraffe poor giraffe no hey
Speaker:just to be clear
Speaker:I can't even I just realized what you were saying
Speaker:look at you now just to be clear
Speaker:I'm not talking about the animals
Speaker:National Geographic to see the neck on that one ah
Speaker:this is their room did you copy your friends by the way
Speaker:and you're like National Geographic
Speaker:check your mail there's a fucking nipple on page 73
Speaker:check out Serengeti
Speaker:did you no
Speaker:this was something I never spoke
Speaker:this is closeted so you were ashamed hey
Speaker:guess how I Learned a lot of stuff
Speaker:he hasn't written back thank God
Speaker:but I don't think he's gonna write back something like
Speaker:oh I fucked every page of that Sears catalog
Speaker:not every page just the brow section
Speaker:why would you get off to a bra
Speaker:do you know I'm almost confident that
Speaker:if you had changed Sears catalogue to
Speaker:National Geographic 80% chance Europack masturbation
Speaker:if you said Jamie said
Speaker:National Geographic magazine when you were younger
Speaker:what do you think about
Speaker:he would say masturbate with National Geographic
Speaker:serious catalogue
Speaker:there's no way he doesn't write this back
Speaker:unless he's lying
Speaker:I'll call someone live on the air here
Speaker:I wish I could um
Speaker:anyway
Speaker:that's a I just typed in
Speaker:okay ready for this
Speaker:ready for this oh wait
Speaker:you're doing a Google search on how many people
Speaker:I'm gonna type do you know what um
Speaker:you know what autofill in is right
Speaker:when you type a Google search and it fills in
Speaker:someone type maybe it's your browser history no
Speaker:no this is
Speaker:I'm gonna clear party search
Speaker:I will clear my browser history ready
Speaker:Sears catalogue space I'm type letter M okay
Speaker:No.1 masturbation shit
Speaker:I can't tell if it was for my Google search yeah
Speaker:of course it was um
Speaker:okay would you believe this 9 years ago on Reddit
Speaker:why is the Sears catalogue
Speaker:so associated with masturbation
Speaker:it's not this is so filthy
Speaker:this was an innocent thing
Speaker:that you would get for the holidays
Speaker:and you would buy Christmas presents
Speaker:there's toys in it this guy sounds reputable um
Speaker:Lithuan 3 3 6 2 says uh before the kids are their own
Speaker:ipads or high speed internet we had to do we could
Speaker:okay
Speaker:um when you're a middle schooler in 19 9 9
Speaker:the lingerie section of a clothing at
Speaker:is about as good as you're gonna get
Speaker:desert times man
Speaker:you couldn't just get porn on the internet
Speaker:why do you have to have porn
Speaker:why can't you just touch your penis
Speaker:why do you have to have porn as a little teenager
Speaker:is that a text no shit
Speaker:I'm dying well of course you start with imagination
Speaker:but then you switch to a magazine or something
Speaker:is like the top of the top
Speaker:a pornographic film
Speaker:I get a hold of a pornographic film
Speaker:I didn't watch a porn until I was 16
Speaker:15 and it was like a joke
Speaker:like that's I probably
Speaker:where men and women completely are different wow
Speaker:I don't know any girlfriends who when we were young
Speaker:ever were like
Speaker:oh we have to sneak and watch this
Speaker:that's pretty wild
Speaker:so you watched your first born at 16 or 70
Speaker:that's only four
Speaker:it only took you four years to make your own
Speaker:that's pretty quick I could do this better
Speaker:hmm
Speaker:you know the biggest fear with making a sex tape
Speaker:what about happens when you break up
Speaker:I destroyed it you gotta really trust that person
Speaker:I destroyed it oh
Speaker:I just and I wasn't I was not talking about you anymore
Speaker:I meant like in general I was saying like
Speaker:like now we have all these
Speaker:these things I'm more afraid
Speaker:to go into your mom's attic
Speaker:and find old Sears catalogues that are stuck together
Speaker:poor thing probably has no idea why they're all stuck
Speaker:you would open up
Speaker:you would open up the Sears catalogue
Speaker:and you'd be like
Speaker:there is no lingerie section and I'd be like
Speaker:oh no it's that one thick page right there
Speaker:it's in there
Speaker:hmm okay
Speaker:well anyway we will
Speaker:no text I'm sorry
Speaker:you're on your own here we'll jump back in
Speaker:don't believe me I'm not on my own
Speaker:for your information it's me
Speaker:Megu Nos 9 easy type Lithu um
Speaker:they sound like wonderful friends
Speaker:desperate 45 also concurs at the Sears catalog
Speaker:yes absolutely five uh huh
Speaker:sounds like the same people that uh
Speaker:might not gonna finish that thought
Speaker:damn it I want to play a clip
Speaker:about masturbating to the Sears catalog
Speaker:when they were younger you know
Speaker:I guess I've looked through that you know
Speaker:because you're nowadays with the porn everything
Speaker:but I'm a lot older than that back in my days you
Speaker:it's buffering on the nor McDonald's punchline
Speaker:back in my days you what to go to this a serious storm
Speaker:fucking wack off haha
Speaker:that's nor McDonald he passed away
Speaker:he was in our TV show he was one of the funniest guys
Speaker:in the history of the world
Speaker:he said he's so old yeah
Speaker:you said he was nice huh he's so nice but he um
Speaker:I ruined that funny joke by bringing the fact
Speaker:he passed away but we miss him dearly
Speaker:that's pretty funny he said he was so old
Speaker:he'd actually go to Sears and Jack off
Speaker:well we have different types of humor today
Speaker:I just I'm never getting you a magazine subscription
Speaker:to fucking anything now
Speaker:I just have these horrible thoughts
Speaker:now I know why you read so many books
Speaker:I do not trust her oh
Speaker:do you know what I'm about to do to you right now
Speaker:self development book dah
Speaker:of course it's self help what do you know about to do
Speaker:your poor fucking Kindle
Speaker:is that like an easy squeech Windex
Speaker:okay you coming at me with this
Speaker:I'm yeah what
Speaker:what are you gonna do what you got Lisso
Speaker:what's the last book audiobook you read
Speaker:haha that's not fair haha
Speaker:just curious what it is
Speaker:it might have been called throttle me
Speaker:oh throttle me
Speaker:I'm assuming it's a from a car's point of view
Speaker:an autobiography of a gas pedal about a ginormous cock
Speaker:I know it was amazing
Speaker:the book was amazing it was an audio book
Speaker:you don't find any type of
Speaker:you feel any do you feel like you owe anyone an apology
Speaker:I didn't on this positive
Speaker:I just sit on my iPhone haha
Speaker:I don't have a problem with porn
Speaker:I have a problem with you getting off to a fucking hut
Speaker:a hut National Geographic
Speaker:what's a hut oh
Speaker:a hut hahaha
Speaker:that's not what it was look at that
Speaker:that's true oh
Speaker:no
Speaker:listen I'm still seeing like
Speaker:goats with hairy teeth in the background
Speaker:and you're like
Speaker:did you like that okay look at me
Speaker:I don't remember so tease me for my book all you want
Speaker:I intentionally purchased that book to get excited
Speaker:sexually
Speaker:there was a moment where I was jealous of the book why
Speaker:I was jealous of a fictitious character
Speaker:he had a ginormous penis but he's a drawing eight pack
Speaker:drawing tattoos he rode a motorcycle
Speaker:he was rough
Speaker:see I don't like that
Speaker:I don't have these attributes
Speaker:but you know what I never fantasized about that
Speaker:it got me in the mood
Speaker:and then I would fantasize about you
Speaker:an eight pack on the cover
Speaker:oh I don't know he was ripped
Speaker:but notice they don't ever show the guy's face
Speaker:cause then it gets to be the fantasy
Speaker:so these books actually
Speaker:these books actually did you a solid
Speaker:cause think about all the time that I would text you
Speaker:like really salty dirty things yeah
Speaker:sometimes I know you were like
Speaker:fuck is that really her
Speaker:like who's typing these things
Speaker:cause I just heard it and I was like oh
Speaker:I like that line you know
Speaker:they say don't text and drive
Speaker:hmm don't listen to fucking throttled and drive
Speaker:you have I did message me so many times
Speaker:I did swerve off the road
Speaker:I swerved off the road well
Speaker:I didn't expect
Speaker:they were like talking about what they talked about
Speaker:yeah it sounds like it was like
Speaker:it's got the whole series
Speaker:I bought two more I just haven't listened to him yet
Speaker:I just don't I don't mind that he's in shape
Speaker:I feel like I work out
Speaker:but it doesn't show the face at all
Speaker:so it's like yeah
Speaker:but but then I found something about you
Speaker:but motorcycle tattoos I don't know if I like um
Speaker:well that's not my fantasy
Speaker:I think that's like a lot of women's fantasies
Speaker:this would be a great topic for another one about like
Speaker:what's a fantasy what's not
Speaker:what's common what's uncommon
Speaker:well I'm very fortunate
Speaker:what's a creature fantasy
Speaker:I wonder if what oh
Speaker:I'd like to talk about that okay
Speaker:we'll do it next like pushing the limits
Speaker:pushing the limits what would be the craziest fantasy
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:and like would you fulfill it or not
Speaker:Jeez okay I think it's hard cause we're together
Speaker:I'm gonna have a little trouble with this one
Speaker:but I think it's a good idea
Speaker:I got a couple fantasies all right um
Speaker:yeah I do get jealous of fictitious people
Speaker:when they have things I don't
Speaker:how about you but it's not your like
Speaker:the tattoos are always into the heaven was like yeah
Speaker:that guy look at that guy
Speaker:he went some to some place and they went
Speaker:but he didn't even do anything
Speaker:he's got tattoos good for you
Speaker:he got a man bun and a beard you're the best gosh
Speaker:you're the greatest
Speaker:you said you like man bonds once and I was like
Speaker:that hurts my feelings yeah
Speaker:well look out
Speaker:because I've also very good at taking direction
Speaker:so if we're gonna talk about fantasies
Speaker:I'll probably whip out a Dillard's catalogue
Speaker:and look at the men's underwear
Speaker:later today okay
Speaker:rawr
Speaker:next time I'm afraid to ask fantasies
Speaker:and I think we have sticky magazines
Speaker:sticky magazines
Speaker:coming up on the next episode of afraid to ask
Speaker:what did I tell you in all of your comedy
Speaker:would upset me more than anything else
Speaker:when we first started dating
Speaker:like what topic was off limits
Speaker:are you dumb
Speaker:that would really upset me if I said I was dumb
Speaker:massage misogynistic stuff
Speaker:oh okay well that was a silly joke
Speaker:I apologize next
Speaker:holy shit I'm mad at you
Speaker:I don't like that shit
Speaker:do you understand though seriously
Speaker:I don't find it funny
Speaker:and the reason I don't find it funny is
Speaker:as a sensitive subject that a lot of men have used
Speaker:humoring to get away with very inappropriate
Speaker:disrespectful behavior that has gone on for centuries
Speaker:so the reason I don't like jokes
Speaker:is because you're just perpetuating that
Speaker:it's silly and it's not a big deal
Speaker:it's a huge deal
Speaker:so I think it'd be safer to move on something else
Speaker:romance novels are great
Speaker:are there guy romance novels I don't know
