Post-Colon
In this episode...
In this episode of "Afraid to Ask," Jamie and his more stunning half, Dr. Erika discuss why you should only bring someone to your colonoscopy who knows your darkest secrets. They explore the mysteries of sympathy diarrhea and the time Jamie spent $3000 on Amazon while blacked out drunk.
Chapters
03:00 - Erika’s Black Out Story
05:10 - Post Colonoscopy Confessions
10:45 - Jamie’s Extra Drugs & Memory Problems
15:00 - When Your Girlfriend’s Friend Examines Your Anus
17:40 - Jamie’s Tells Erika Some Crazy Shit While Messed Up On Drugs
20:00 - Jamie Starts Crying
21:00 - Sympathy Diarrhea
24:15 - I Feel The Same Way About Improv
27:16 - Buying Gifts Blacked Out
27:55 - Electric Scooters
28:45 - Where To Shop When You’re Blacked Out
29:00 - Sex In The Fitting Room
30:00 - No Or Fuck Yes
32:20 - Jamie’s Deepest Darkest Secret
34:30 - Jamie’s Inappropriate Erection
About the Podcast
Comedian Jamie Lissow and his smarter half Dr. Erika answer all kinds of medical, dating, sex, divorce, questions some might be afraid to ask. Listen & subscribe for prescriptions and punchlines
Mentioned in this episode:
Warning:
This is an uncensored podcast that will include adult language and topics. Viewer discretion is advised.
Transcript
check 1 2 well hello there boyfriend how are you
Speaker:it's fine day I'm really good is it working
Speaker:yes excellent let's not talk shit
Speaker:I'm afraid to ask but I have a great question
Speaker:I don't even know what I was gonna say
Speaker:I'm so disturbed right now
Speaker:you brought up a very interesting point
Speaker:I did is afraid to ask oh
Speaker:hi yeah
Speaker:hi well Jamie Doctor Erica
Speaker:you were up a really interesting point last time
Speaker:we're talking point and or opinion oh
Speaker:and that is what you said something about
Speaker:you would never do something blacked out or
Speaker:or someone cheated on so
Speaker:did you say something like someone cheated on someone
Speaker:and their excuse was yes
Speaker:so tell me what that was well
Speaker:so I was in college and I had a guy friend
Speaker:he was like upset
Speaker:he's like my girlfriend cheated on me and I was like
Speaker:fuck that bitch right
Speaker:end of story you think it's done and he's like no no no
Speaker:no she's a great person
Speaker:and she was just like really drunk
Speaker:like blackout drunk and I was like
Speaker:so blackout that her like clothes got ripped off
Speaker:and she just opened her vagina
Speaker:and fell onto a hard dick
Speaker:and he say yes
Speaker:and then kept it pumping and he was like
Speaker:pretty much she just like
Speaker:really enjoyed every thrust
Speaker:she's I'm getting angry and I was like
Speaker:he saying she didn't remember it
Speaker:no no
Speaker:no it was consensual
Speaker:but she put blackout blackout where she like had no
Speaker:I don't know this sounds moral conscious and was like
Speaker:I just I forgot I was dating someone for two years
Speaker:so just part of her blacked out
Speaker:just the part that was committed excuse
Speaker:for me it's like if I'm gonna do something
Speaker:I'm gonna do it sober I'm gonna do it drunk
Speaker:I'm gonna do it high I'm gonna do it wherever yeah
Speaker:because there's a certain level where you just say no
Speaker:like I'm not gonna get so drunk
Speaker:I'm just gonna go kill somebody
Speaker:yes this girl
Speaker:her excuse was I am such a nice girl
Speaker:I would never cheat on you
Speaker:but when I'm drunk
Speaker:my vagina just likes to make friends with every dick
Speaker:it sees yes
Speaker:let me slow this down he believed her
Speaker:don't and stay on this tie guy we keep talking about
Speaker:this is really important
Speaker:there's so many problems with her story black
Speaker:if she was truly blackout drunk
Speaker:she wouldn't even tell him she cheated on him
Speaker:or she wouldn't remember she wouldn't even remember
Speaker:he would he would
Speaker:or maybe he finds out and she's oh my goodness
Speaker:I don't even know
Speaker:but there's like a thing called the brown out
Speaker:which is where you like
Speaker:flashing and out of consciousness
Speaker:and you remember things that are
Speaker:yeah but I think a brown out is a thing right
Speaker:I mean that maybe that's a
Speaker:that's jargon or urban dictionary
Speaker:but it means like you remember some stuff
Speaker:I never heard of that this is where you
Speaker:have you ever been blacked out and I would know
Speaker:I wouldn't remember okay
Speaker:have you ever been partially blacked out
Speaker:where you kind of have flashes of the night
Speaker:I might have been beiged out no
Speaker:no you told me
Speaker:didn't you tell me
Speaker:once you cleaned your whole house blacked out
Speaker:so but the
Speaker:but so that I remember so again
Speaker:I don't know what shade of like gray do you remember
Speaker:so you had a party I get shit
Speaker:you woke up the whole house was clean
Speaker:do you remember any of it
Speaker:the definition of like
Speaker:super drunk is a couple drinks where I'm like silly
Speaker:but like I'd never fall into a penis
Speaker:if someone asks me a question
Speaker:I might remember
Speaker:but I wouldn't remember the whole conversation
Speaker:and I like to clean so I got stressed out
Speaker:I hosted a party and all of my guests left
Speaker:and I was very happy and intoxicated
Speaker:so I basically cleaned my whole house with a toothbrush
Speaker:and I woke up to like magic elves
Speaker:I was like oh
Speaker:they cleaned it I don't remember
Speaker:so no memory cleaning
Speaker:but I don't remember 4 hours of cleaning
Speaker:I just remember being happy that I think is a brown up
Speaker:could be wrong but I like so I remember the dick
Speaker:I just remember the first thrust not all of them
Speaker:aren't you still guilty then
Speaker:wow
Speaker:yes of course you are yes
Speaker:I agree I think that you
Speaker:I have a crazy medical question
Speaker:that blackout is defined differently by people
Speaker:blackout I think means you totally don't remember
Speaker:but you're right she clearly remembered
Speaker:to say that she had sex with somebody
Speaker:I'm gonna spring a medical question needed
Speaker:I would guess has no answer
Speaker:so no pressure boy
Speaker:I would say this has no answer
Speaker:didn't feel like working today but go ahead
Speaker:I would say there's there's no so I I agree with you
Speaker:I don't think
Speaker:people would do things that they wouldn't normally do
Speaker:when they are drunk let's not even say blacked out
Speaker:let's just say like really really drunk
Speaker:I think your inhibitions are lower
Speaker:but if you truly
Speaker:I don't think you cheat on somebody you really
Speaker:really love if you're super drunk
Speaker:unless you were gonna anyway
Speaker:you would do it sober too
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:I would do it sober cause I'd be able to drive home
Speaker:make sure I covered all my bases
Speaker:and she wouldn't find out
Speaker:thought Plan B ahead of time right so I think the prom
Speaker:the problem is
Speaker:it feels like a lie like a cop out to be like
Speaker:oh I drank too much forgive hundred percent because
Speaker:yeah I've done stupid stuff drunk versus sober
Speaker:but I've never done something
Speaker:I wouldn't do in other circumstances
Speaker:killing someone is the ultimate example
Speaker:well that's why I said that
Speaker:I know that's extreme but I feel like cheating is too
Speaker:like it's so disrespectful to be like
Speaker:I had a great night out with the girls
Speaker:and the bartender he was naked
Speaker:so I had to help him out no
Speaker:you didn't you know
Speaker:I feel crazy today she sucked
Speaker:you know I feel crazy today
Speaker:right and
Speaker:you probably know what
Speaker:this medical question coming up is
Speaker:I don't know the medical question
Speaker:but I know why you feel kind of inebriated
Speaker:yeah cause I had a colonoscopy yesterday
Speaker:yeah and I know many people have had colonoscopies ah
Speaker:but it was there was a lot of very unexpected things
Speaker:I had a night of prep which a lot of people have had
Speaker:and you drink clear stuff
Speaker:like 24 hours of clear stuff before the um
Speaker:there's so much to talk about here
Speaker:what I was gonna go to was
Speaker:let me tease a little bit
Speaker:I think we talked about it for
Speaker:I have a real problem with any sort of
Speaker:bodily functions in front of someone
Speaker:I'm dating even had problems when I was married
Speaker:doing about other things in front of someone
Speaker:and when you prep for a colonoscopy
Speaker:you are encouraging
Speaker:you are about to have some bodily problems
Speaker:some things are gonna happen
Speaker:because the goal is to have the stuff coming out of you
Speaker:be clear and I'm talking all of it
Speaker:so you're taking
Speaker:like a year's worth of this laxative and whatever
Speaker:and you're gonna and so I was gonna stay in a hotel
Speaker:and we decided
Speaker:we're gonna take a relationship with the next level
Speaker:and I was gonna stay at your house
Speaker:but you found a bathroom for me
Speaker:an upstairs bathroom if I had to and this is really
Speaker:I was uh it's an uncomfortable night I enjoyed um
Speaker:I enjoyed the fasting part
Speaker:there were moments when I was starving
Speaker:it's like I think I didn't eat for 30 hours
Speaker:most people actually complain about that
Speaker:more than anything else even more than the prep did
Speaker:you know that
Speaker:they complain that they can't eat for a day
Speaker:most patients get more mad about that
Speaker:than even having diarrhea
Speaker:you know the minute you talk it's so mental
Speaker:it's so mental
Speaker:because we were sitting in your office and you thought
Speaker:I could eat till 6 p m
Speaker:uh huh and we were like what should we get for lunch
Speaker:and I was on Uber Eats looking at the Greek place
Speaker:I was gonna order
Speaker:and surprise you from the Greek place
Speaker:and then you texted the um
Speaker:your butthole the butthole guy and you said you go hey
Speaker:and he goes
Speaker:oh Jamie can't eat it eat it all that's a somewhere
Speaker:Jamie sounds like your pin pal
Speaker:we saw a license plate yesterday in Ohio
Speaker:in Ohio Idaho
Speaker:this is wow
Speaker:I listen my excuse
Speaker:are you so fucked up from yesterday
Speaker:for anything that happens today
Speaker:that's why I wanted to get to
Speaker:so anyway everybody knows about this prep
Speaker:well we've been over it
Speaker:at least you'd say the same stuff
Speaker:as you would if you were sober
Speaker:cause that's my question what's your question
Speaker:so I anyway
Speaker:prep was interesting
Speaker:prep was interesting I did the deed
Speaker:I drank all the
Speaker:oh
Speaker:but the thing was as soon as you told me I couldn't eat
Speaker:starving yeah
Speaker:upset yeah
Speaker:do you know they say that about smoking
Speaker:do you know how about everything
Speaker:we don't like to be told no
Speaker:do you know mental smoking is
Speaker:do you know
Speaker:there are smokers that smoke packs of cigarettes a day
Speaker:but they fly on airplanes
Speaker:bunch of people that fly an airplane smoke cigarettes
Speaker:they don't go to the bathroom and smoke though
Speaker:it's because you can't smoke on an airplane
Speaker:it's not up to them
Speaker:there's a lot of like cognitive behavioral therapy
Speaker:to quit smoking is like
Speaker:learning that when you are in certain situations
Speaker:and you're not allowed to
Speaker:you don't you're not struck with the crazy urge
Speaker:so diets always fail too
Speaker:yeah but soon as you told me I couldn't eat or starving
Speaker:and then I went then it got better
Speaker:that's I had some chicken broth
Speaker:it was amazing I wake up one guy
Speaker:I got a point
Speaker:I got a point I don't drink
Speaker:I've been drinking many many years
Speaker:I don't do
Speaker:I did a little bit iowasca three times in my life
Speaker:but I feel like that was very specific
Speaker:it was under a lot of guidance
Speaker:it was very therapeutic
Speaker:there's nothing fun and partyish about it
Speaker:I had a guide like professionals
Speaker:I did it with medical staff around me
Speaker:so I did Iowaska marijuana
Speaker:I just
Speaker:I used to take a tiny bit at night to go to sleep
Speaker:I stopped that because one night
Speaker:you called me and I started a huge fight over nothing
Speaker:or there was a huge misunderstanding
Speaker:and I go I don't wanna like not have my brain any more
Speaker:so I stopped in that
Speaker:you would have fought with me sober too
Speaker:but continue yeah
Speaker:so
Speaker:I guess I didn't think about the fact that there was a
Speaker:did I miss something oh
Speaker:but I guess I didn't think about the drunk
Speaker:the drunkish fucked up aspect
Speaker:yeah post and also very
Speaker:very heavy hitter
Speaker:prescription IV medications used for sedation
Speaker:do you think drug addicts
Speaker:recovering drug addicts
Speaker:some of them say do it with nothing
Speaker:we've had patients ask to have very light sedation
Speaker:or even just gas because
Speaker:they're very concerned about the high that they'll get
Speaker:and then the flip side
Speaker:patients who abuse drugs actively
Speaker:require a much higher dose
Speaker:so we need them to be honest
Speaker:so we give the appropriate amount
Speaker:so they're not uncomfortable during the procedure
Speaker:or awakened writhing on the table
Speaker:you know colonoscopy is not fun
Speaker:but it's not as invasive as like open heart surgery
Speaker:right
Speaker:so there's a varying degrees of how safe you have to be
Speaker:but yes in general
Speaker:if you have drug addiction or sobriety
Speaker:both of those really matter
Speaker:and that's why they ask you these questions
Speaker:right before they take you back
Speaker:because
Speaker:they have to be prepared for what kind of patient
Speaker:they're gonna be and estheizing
Speaker:that's a good point you know what though
Speaker:what they didn't ask me that question
Speaker:well yes
Speaker:they did they didn't say
Speaker:did you ever have an issue
Speaker:they said do you drink
Speaker:I don't know they asked current
Speaker:but what if I had an issue with it with someone
Speaker:I quit for 10 years they didn't
Speaker:they didn't yeah
Speaker:they don't they ask about active drug alcohol
Speaker:tobacco use yeah
Speaker:what if I was a I guess
Speaker:that would be my responsibility to bring that up
Speaker:that's not a doctor's prior though
Speaker:that has past medical history
Speaker:and usually it will say alcohol abuse or drug abuse
Speaker:I just didn't look at it did you just say I'm fine
Speaker:yeah and I wouldn't consider
Speaker:I don't know if I can say I'm not
Speaker:I never want to like rehab or anything like that
Speaker:I probably would have been would have felt okay with it
Speaker:it really is for patients
Speaker:like pain medication patients will say gosh
Speaker:I'm recovering um
Speaker:patient who struggled with drug addictive tendency
Speaker:so I'd like to avoid this at all cost
Speaker:and that's really nice for me to know
Speaker:so I can prescribe medicine that's more appropriate
Speaker:and won't unfortunately
Speaker:give them a little bit of something that makes them
Speaker:perhaps rebound so
Speaker:but your butthole was fine
Speaker:that was the great news
Speaker:but I will tell you in this might
Speaker:so I meant like in general
Speaker:with the medicine they gave you
Speaker:yeah and you
Speaker:you told me that
Speaker:you had told me that before I even had the colonoscopy
Speaker:that you thought my no
Speaker:actually my exact words were
Speaker:how does it feel knowing one of my very good friends
Speaker:will know you much more intimately than I do
Speaker:because he probably around in your butthole
Speaker:which is something I never intend to do
Speaker:so my fear I understand my fear going in was absolutely
Speaker:I don't think it was the invasiveness
Speaker:cause I knew I would be put out
Speaker:that's happened to me before
Speaker:I've done the
Speaker:I have a point all this by the way
Speaker:something you don't know I think and so I took this
Speaker:I've done that for his magic
Speaker:I took it and I woke up in the surgery was done
Speaker:I had that once before in my life
Speaker:so I only
Speaker:had this fear that I think everyone has of like
Speaker:a bad result or gonna find something in there
Speaker:I didn't realize if they find something in there
Speaker:they might even just remove it right there
Speaker:while he's in there
Speaker:you're good to go if it's bigger he goes
Speaker:will do a follow up
Speaker:we have these things in your head where you go
Speaker:I don't want him to go oh my god
Speaker:you have this so those were my fears
Speaker:and all I wanted was to have a clean Bill of health
Speaker:and so I go in there I do the colonoscopy I wake up
Speaker:I'm expecting to see your beautiful face
Speaker:and you know what I see your butthole
Speaker:the inside of my asshole
Speaker:we're in the middle of surgery yeah
Speaker:and I wake up I go ah
Speaker:it's like a tunnel I first I saw this
Speaker:I saw a tunnel with a light
Speaker:and I thought for a minute maybe I was dying and
Speaker:you know the tunnel was my asshole
Speaker:do you know I'm not joking
Speaker:I saw I know a monitor video dude
Speaker:afterwards and you told me this whole story
Speaker:when you were so fucked up okay
Speaker:great so I wake up in the middle of the thing and I go
Speaker:and I can't feel anything
Speaker:it does it's not painful or whatever
Speaker:but I am like conscious and I think I said to them wow
Speaker:are we doing it are we in the middle of it
Speaker:this doesn't hurt at all and then I
Speaker:and then I think maybe they gave me some more yeah
Speaker:the whatever the fuck it is and I'm out
Speaker:I wake up I see your beautiful face and I go
Speaker:you know what kind of irritated me after surgery
Speaker:I said Eric I go man
Speaker:I loved your friend
Speaker:he's like my probably my favorite guy friend of yours
Speaker:and I go
Speaker:I remember thinking like
Speaker:I wish you like come into the room though
Speaker:after and like talk to me or said like
Speaker:you're okay or you did good
Speaker:and I go nothing I go
Speaker:it doesn't even command or say anything and she goes
Speaker:you you talk to him for several minutes
Speaker:you invited him to your show
Speaker:we try to become best friends with him
Speaker:he's very nice he basically said yes
Speaker:well I have a history by the way
Speaker:of inviting people to shows
Speaker:I got nearly arrested once and invited the policeman
Speaker:try to give him free ticket
Speaker:it must be a default comedian thing anyway no
Speaker:you were like he's my best friend
Speaker:like he pounded my asshole and I'm good
Speaker:no memory well
Speaker:that's normal though and that's why
Speaker:you have a family member or friend with you
Speaker:and then they print out information
Speaker:you get it later so you didn't do anything wrong
Speaker:but it is crazy how like you're awake
Speaker:uh huh yet your memory is completely gone
Speaker:for hours afterwards
Speaker:like I could have fucked with you a lot more
Speaker:but I'm a nice girl I think so I did not
Speaker:I think
Speaker:there was a moment where you were fucking with me
Speaker:cause I told you like it'd be funny to videotape me
Speaker:and then I know that there was a moment yesterday
Speaker:where you thought to yourself
Speaker:I need to stop fucking with this person
Speaker:this is like a little more serious than I thought
Speaker:and um
Speaker:cause what I think is I don't feel like I'm in danger
Speaker:I could drink or not drink
Speaker:I don't never had a history with drugs
Speaker:but there was a moment yesterday where I was like
Speaker:I don't like the fact that
Speaker:I feel like I just drink 100 beers
Speaker:and I don't wanna do this
Speaker:this is not what I do anymore
Speaker:I don't wanna be fucked up
Speaker:I felt like I was like
Speaker:drunk and maybe very mad and uncomfortable
Speaker:and I wasn't in my right state of mind
Speaker:so it's kind of overreacting quite a bit
Speaker:and um
Speaker:it was really hard because what I don't think I knew
Speaker:the other thing is like you're a doctor
Speaker:you told me everything I needed to know going in
Speaker:but what I think we didn't expect was
Speaker:I think I might have gotten a little bit of extra
Speaker:go back to sleep later than we thought
Speaker:or maybe a little bit more because I did wake up
Speaker:so I might have a little bit more than other people
Speaker:little more myself than people
Speaker:and why the reason they tell you to bring someone with
Speaker:they don't even let you in
Speaker:if you don't have someone to drive you home
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:because it is like the phrase is functioning alcoholic
Speaker:oh you never
Speaker:incredibly messed up after these drugs
Speaker:but you don't think
Speaker:you feel like you're ready to go back to work
Speaker:you don't think you are
Speaker:I go to you I said to you
Speaker:I go it's 6 p
Speaker:m what
Speaker:what do we do today
Speaker:I don't feel like we did anything today
Speaker:and you like you went to
Speaker:we had a great day we went shopping spree
Speaker:we grabbed a funk coffee we went bubble teaking
Speaker:we did
Speaker:we had a really fun lunch downtown
Speaker:and then remember you were like
Speaker:you bang that guy you don't even remember
Speaker:no he banged your butthole but oh
Speaker:I was trying to go back to the cheating thing
Speaker:I can remember how does it feel that like
Speaker:one of my really good friends was like
Speaker:hurting your butt cheeks and just going in for the kids
Speaker:I don't think that's like
Speaker:is that a good thing I think you know that
Speaker:like I trust him and I know him really well
Speaker:or was it awkward because you're like nah
Speaker:like she's had drinks with that guy and
Speaker:and he really should have been taking me out for drinks
Speaker:I don't medically remember him opening my ass
Speaker:like a vice and I'll be honest with you
Speaker:and it's not you think he entered it's not funny
Speaker:but I'm gonna tell you the truth
Speaker:it may it made me feel better
Speaker:there was a guy that you knew was really good
Speaker:it would be like if I if you said
Speaker:there's a comedy show this weekend
Speaker:this guy's performing I was like
Speaker:fuck no
Speaker:go to a movie instead or if I go that's my friend
Speaker:he's hilarious you gotta go see that guy
Speaker:I feel like it was like such an
Speaker:on a much more important level
Speaker:this safe thing were like
Speaker:you recommended to me the best possible dude
Speaker:so I loved your friend probably my asshole
Speaker:can I go back to a thing though
Speaker:the problem with this medicine is that you don't know
Speaker:you're that messed up and so
Speaker:like a bunch of stuff happened
Speaker:that I'm still a little bit uncomfortable with
Speaker:I remember there was a moment where I said to you
Speaker:can I meet you in that restaurant hey
Speaker:my managers called me
Speaker:we're gonna go over like 10 deals or something
Speaker:it only last night did I say you know what I remember
Speaker:I remember turning something down yeah
Speaker:I remember accepting I should probably and I go
Speaker:I remember I remember accepting something
Speaker:and I don't know if it was
Speaker:I remember having to make like a kid decision
Speaker:like my kids have spring break for 11 days
Speaker:I could accept this gig that I think is good
Speaker:but it would shorten my time with them
Speaker:I remember making decision like that and um
Speaker:I did not I did not like it
Speaker:I did not like feeling like that
Speaker:that was the hardest part for me
Speaker:I told you
Speaker:I would take your phone from you all day yesterday
Speaker:and you said no
Speaker:thank you and you thought it was weird
Speaker:and then last night you were like
Speaker:oh fuck now I know why you said that
Speaker:you'd offer to just put my phone
Speaker:like hidden somewhere in the room
Speaker:so that I wouldn't get it until like nighttime
Speaker:yeah and I said no
Speaker:and then you know what I would else I wish
Speaker:wish you tape you tape my fucking mouth shut
Speaker:I wish I hadn't talked to you haha
Speaker:I wish I hadn't talked to any people on the phone
Speaker:it made me everything's fine
Speaker:like I followed up with all that stuff and it's fine
Speaker:but with you like thank goodness you're very
Speaker:it's so funny because of we always have
Speaker:there's people around the
Speaker:I would say goodness when I'm there instead of God
Speaker:but thank God you're um
Speaker:like as understanding as you are
Speaker:because some crazy shit happened yesterday
Speaker:it was a little crazy because it was funny at first
Speaker:and then it like wasn't that funny
Speaker:and then I remember I was like
Speaker:having a great time and I wasn't having a great time
Speaker:I was having almost like an iowasca level trip
Speaker:where I thought started thinking about like
Speaker:terrible things that happened to me
Speaker:and like all this weird stuff and um
Speaker:and then I said some stuff to you you asked me oh
Speaker:this was this was even leading to a question
Speaker:my medical question that there's no answer to
Speaker:what is it I was gonna say
Speaker:I know you asked me what what my biggest secret was
Speaker:you really have any secrets medical question
Speaker:but yeah okay
Speaker:that's not it you asked me what secret was
Speaker:I told you a couple things
Speaker:this is so I'm not afraid of you in that state
Speaker:I wouldn't be afraid of telling you anything oh at all
Speaker:so like if you said like what is a secret
Speaker:whatever
Speaker:I think the only I think the only mistake I made was
Speaker:maybe I told you I love you too much or something
Speaker:I told you some plans I had for us
Speaker:like that was the worst it got
Speaker:but my question for you is
Speaker:I feel the same way about what I take fentanyl
Speaker:is that what I said fentanyl and versette yeah
Speaker:you know the patients
Speaker:a drug addict
Speaker:when they're about to be anesthetized and they're like
Speaker:I got this I got it in my bag
Speaker:I don't suggest it myself
Speaker:so I think fun of that but it actually happens yeah
Speaker:so my theory would be
Speaker:I don't think you would do anything in that state
Speaker:that you wouldn't do in a regular state
Speaker:much like your theory with being drunk
Speaker:I disagree oh
Speaker:you disagree I do okay
Speaker:I'll give you a free pass those medicine
Speaker:if I cheat on dude cheated on you
Speaker:no but for the things that you said
Speaker:it make you've never I mean
Speaker:I've never seen you like intoxicated
Speaker:so it's hard to compare
Speaker:but like the things that you said
Speaker:some of them were pretty fucked up
Speaker:not mean but like way out of character really
Speaker:and I just don't was the worst one
Speaker:when you cried hmm
Speaker:but like I cried about my dad dying or something
Speaker:you said something about bad
Speaker:but it was like out of nowhere
Speaker:where you had like a panic attack
Speaker:and you were out of control of your own body
Speaker:and I don't normally see that with people
Speaker:who are just on marijuana
Speaker:or alcohol but I do see that with very strong uh
Speaker:IV drug use so
Speaker:it's the same thing with these prescription medicines
Speaker:so I do think that that when we're saying
Speaker:you'd never do this or that with
Speaker:with alcohol marijuana yeah
Speaker:I think it's a more subdued high
Speaker:with these really strong aggressive medicines
Speaker:I mean
Speaker:think about the stories where you hear of people like
Speaker:eating other people and not remembering
Speaker:eating other people yeah
Speaker:on methamphetamines oh
Speaker:like the Florida bath salt situation stuff can do it um
Speaker:so it's the level of high that you have
Speaker:so what you had yesterday was really fucked up
Speaker:so I was actually
Speaker:quite pleasantly surprised at how appropriate
Speaker:and kind you were and how thankful you were
Speaker:I think I how you weren't embarrassing
Speaker:because I've seen
Speaker:as the doctor on the other side of the procedures
Speaker:I've seen
Speaker:I've done colonoscopies to patients like I've
Speaker:but I mean
Speaker:I've also done major surgeries where we cut from like
Speaker:neck to pubic bone
Speaker:and rip them open in there with those strong drugs
Speaker:for like 10 hour solid
Speaker:I just I guess I thought they can beat you up
Speaker:like they try from the medicine yeah
Speaker:I think I just didn't want
Speaker:we've been dating for a while
Speaker:it's been almost a year I don't know if I wanted to
Speaker:shit and cry in front of you
Speaker:in the same 24 hours for the first time
Speaker:we did um a lot accomplish a lot in the last 24 hours
Speaker:our relationship has certainly changed
Speaker:well that's happened
Speaker:can I be you know what I think was interesting
Speaker:what that I had sympathy diarrhea for you
Speaker:so crazy
Speaker:so I was we but we did keep you just blew what I miss
Speaker:no I'm still on it
Speaker:I'm still on it I did show
Speaker:choose a different restroom
Speaker:that was upstairs in your house
Speaker:and did you know every time I went upstairs
Speaker:I turned I started by turning on the faucet
Speaker:close the one door close the other door
Speaker:and I turn on the shower and the blower
Speaker:for the first cut
Speaker:and then like the 13th time I was like shit
Speaker:fuck it this is too crazy you know
Speaker:and you and people were awake in the house
Speaker:it wasn't just you
Speaker:so I was afraid of people listening and then yeah
Speaker:my house I couldn't hear anything
Speaker:do you really believe that you
Speaker:so I think that type of separation isn't bad to like
Speaker:you know you knew I was pooping
Speaker:this never had me in my whole life
Speaker:but but it was still some separation and then yeah
Speaker:you go my stomach feels weird and you had like a weird
Speaker:like a like a sympathy
Speaker:I have connected and etherilous response of like
Speaker:I genuinely like shit myself silly
Speaker:and I felt like telling you
Speaker:because you are embarrassed
Speaker:and it's different than like
Speaker:I don't know like
Speaker:farting and pooping in front of you without any like
Speaker:yeah censorship
Speaker:you were like so polite
Speaker:but like every 10 minutes until like what
Speaker:1:30 in the morning you're like
Speaker:excuse me and you would like excuse yourself like
Speaker:I know what you're doing but at one point I was like
Speaker:I feel bad for this guy
Speaker:and I wanna come down to your level yes
Speaker:come down to your level so I was like
Speaker:I'm just gonna full blown tell you
Speaker:I just shit myself rotten
Speaker:it was nice it was nice of you
Speaker:I appreciate the and the first time
Speaker:I genuinely think it was a psychosomatic response
Speaker:which blows my mind I really do think
Speaker:I felt so bad for you
Speaker:and I saw you fucking shitting like 500 times yeah
Speaker:not that I was like leaving poop
Speaker:poop that suddenly I was like
Speaker:I think I'll have diarrhea
Speaker:and then I had a second episode of diarrhea
Speaker:and then the next morning I shot myself two more times
Speaker:wow and I told you you know
Speaker:it's a the final episode of diarrhea
Speaker:was a bit of a disappointment
Speaker:like Seinfeld
Speaker:you're like looking at me right now no
Speaker:I love I love it I'm trying not to say too much
Speaker:um physician it doesn't gross me out
Speaker:as someone who's not medically inclined
Speaker:it's probably a little bit of TMI that's the problem
Speaker:I'm afraid you're gonna go physician on me
Speaker:and then you're gonna turn into girlfriend and be like
Speaker:fucking this is too much this guy
Speaker:but I don't think you'll ever I swear I draw the line
Speaker:I don't wanna smell it or hear it or see it yeah
Speaker:because when I'm at work
Speaker:and I have to take care of a sick patient
Speaker:yep I have the ability
Speaker:I feel that I separate the two
Speaker:everything exactly about improv
Speaker:but if I like
Speaker:go in the bathroom and probably brushing my teeth
Speaker:and you're just like
Speaker:right I feel like
Speaker:that's kind of a respect thing that you've lost
Speaker:that's really nice
Speaker:but I wanted you to know that I was having diarrhea
Speaker:because I wanted to empathize with you a little bit
Speaker:I knew I'd never get to the level of having 500
Speaker:bowel movements in 10 hours
Speaker:but I didn't want you to feel alone
Speaker:for anyone that's about to have a colonoscopy
Speaker:first of all get it done
Speaker:it was not that bad except for the crying and shit
Speaker:it was really not that bad and it's good to know
Speaker:I think it's good to know
Speaker:but I would warn
Speaker:not only have somebody that can drive you home
Speaker:have someone can have someone you can trust or nobody
Speaker:you know what else I would add
Speaker:put your phone away
Speaker:have somebody who really cares about you
Speaker:like I closet 8 remember
Speaker:you caught me with like fistfuls of like m and m's
Speaker:was nice
Speaker:by the way actual pantry
Speaker:and I would like chew
Speaker:like I had popcorn and I was dead
Speaker:get away from me that's really nice
Speaker:cause I didn't want you to like
Speaker:hear or smell or be like
Speaker:oh I'm hungry and feel like I was insensitive
Speaker:that's nice you know
Speaker:the first six times I use the restroom upstairs
Speaker:I pretended I had a phone call not just to you
Speaker:but there are other people in the house
Speaker:and then one of the people
Speaker:I go oh
Speaker:I gotta grab this whatever
Speaker:gotta run upstairs and grab this
Speaker:and then one of the people in the house said
Speaker:is Jimmy just shitting is that a phone call
Speaker:mean shit I feel like what you should do is have like
Speaker:uh miralax colonoscopy party
Speaker:like how funny would it have been
Speaker:you mean more than one person
Speaker:yeah like if I also had a colonoscopy the next day
Speaker:and we had a different family member Drive both of us
Speaker:and we both had to go through the prep together
Speaker:yeah so we each had a separately like poop
Speaker:but be in misery together
Speaker:it is a good idea and you know
Speaker:you can't do that in a one bathroom house
Speaker:you gotta have several bathrooms really
Speaker:yeah I had one bathroom for a while recently
Speaker:this is one bathroom is a tough life
Speaker:I'm a friend of mine
Speaker:a comedian that a lot of people know who he is
Speaker:he had one at the same time
Speaker:and there was this little bit of kinship
Speaker:not at the same time the exact same day
Speaker:yeah same time
Speaker:same day found out
Speaker:that's what I think is so cool
Speaker:keep going did not plan it
Speaker:but I think that's really funny
Speaker:people don't talk about colonoscopies
Speaker:not only you talk about it
Speaker:you're like buddy
Speaker:me too we're both getting our asses explored
Speaker:same time same day
Speaker:let's go that's nice
Speaker:I mentioned him and I go in the morning and I go
Speaker:last night was tough but I love how thin I feel
Speaker:because I didn't need for someone who was like dude
Speaker:me too
Speaker:you know I'm worried about
Speaker:I'm worried that I fasted for 30 hours
Speaker:and then went shopping and bought pants that may never
Speaker:that I can reveal the wear god
Speaker:you were fun to show this fasting
Speaker:see that's the high that's fun though
Speaker:you were happy you were nice
Speaker:you were conscientious and you had like fun
Speaker:doing something you probably wouldn't have done
Speaker:if you were totally sober
Speaker:after your procedure no
Speaker:that's what we did I hate all that shit
Speaker:you got some kick ass stuff
Speaker:we uh and you don't even remember it
Speaker:it's like you just woke up
Speaker:and all this magical shit was in the closet
Speaker:do you know what I used to do when I get drunk
Speaker:haha what
Speaker:when I would get kind of blackout drunk sometimes
Speaker:I would order stuff for myself
Speaker:I think my blacked out version of myself
Speaker:knew this about me when I was like super blacked out
Speaker:sometimes I would buy stuff for myself on Amazon
Speaker:what you buy
Speaker:and then I would subsequently completely be surprised
Speaker:but I was able to surprise myself with gifts
Speaker:like I would go what is this
Speaker:that's exactly what I wanted
Speaker:I was just gonna ask that so were you like
Speaker:oh fuck yeah
Speaker:drunk Jamie or were you like fuck you drunk Jamie
Speaker:like
Speaker:did you buy the good shit or did you buy stupid shit
Speaker:so it was mostly get you
Speaker:but one time I will admit you did that
Speaker:I woke up in the morning
Speaker:and I bought $3,000 worth of electric scooters what
Speaker:yeah wait
Speaker:uh huh you did
Speaker:uh huh I didn't want them
Speaker:of course you
Speaker:I don't need 3,000 the fuck it was for my children
Speaker:like for me and my children
Speaker:I but you know
Speaker:those scooters you ride the lime ones or whatever
Speaker:I was like why are we renting
Speaker:why don't we own these
Speaker:please tell me you could return them
Speaker:I freaking canceled it but the next morning I was like
Speaker:what is this it was like an email was like
Speaker:your purchase has gone through
Speaker:was like 37 hundred dollars
Speaker:holy shit yeah
Speaker:so I canceled like that's what people do with Taco Bell
Speaker:but it's like 150 bucks yeah
Speaker:it was a mistake by the way yeah
Speaker:that was the biggest drunk mistake I've ever made
Speaker:$3,000 worth of scooters
Speaker:did not purchase them returned it
Speaker:you did me a favor that's not that bad though
Speaker:I mean that's fucking bad
Speaker:but like you didn't do something crazy no
Speaker:you do me a favor though by
Speaker:when I was messed up
Speaker:and you thought I might not remember
Speaker:you knew some of this
Speaker:that I might be a little bit loopy
Speaker:you did not take me to Sax Fifth Avenue
Speaker:you didn't take me to Barney
Speaker:she didn't take me to nordstrom's
Speaker:you took me to Nordstrom's Rack
Speaker:knowing that the craziest I could get
Speaker:we're gonna get some nice deals on some clothes
Speaker:it was not gonna be like the craziest
Speaker:I bought so much stuff
Speaker:and I don't like trying stuff on
Speaker:and I was still very loopy and I bought
Speaker:I don't like trying anything on
Speaker:I will buy stuff try it on
Speaker:return it rather than like try stuff on at the um
Speaker:at the store and so we went into the
Speaker:we went into the room the what's it called
Speaker:the changing room so you go into the changing room
Speaker:do you remember me grabbing your dick
Speaker:in the fitting room no
Speaker:you did not sure did that's a joke no
Speaker:I dug down into your pants Jeez legit
Speaker:well add that to the list of shit you don't remember
Speaker:I don't remember that sucks
Speaker:so it was the best blow job of your life
Speaker:you did not everywhere that's not true
Speaker:that person did you know
Speaker:no I just reached my hand on your pants
Speaker:and touch your penis a few times
Speaker:and I was like oh
Speaker:I've never been in a fitting room with a guy before
Speaker:we should get busy hahaha
Speaker:try on this sweater but it's more of kind of a jokey
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:so then I started trying stuff on I try one thing I go
Speaker:what do you think and I like that one
Speaker:I don't like that one by the way
Speaker:when I shop for clothes
Speaker:I even in my vent and old state
Speaker:I like to do I stole this from a pocket
Speaker:but I do a no or a fuck yes
Speaker:it's gonna be a fuck yes or I don't buy it
Speaker:so a couple was like
Speaker:I don't know if I gone right you were funny
Speaker:I grab some jeans and you're like
Speaker:these are good and I'm like
Speaker:I don't know if I like the color
Speaker:and you just go
Speaker:and you just chuck them on the ground in the store
Speaker:no memory and then you politely picked them up okay
Speaker:like that wasn't a fuck yes
Speaker:and I didn't know what you meant
Speaker:but then you explained it later yeah
Speaker:so we did that though
Speaker:we're trying to find we're in the fitness room
Speaker:it's it's tight in there tight space
Speaker:tries to find all the sudden there's knock at the door
Speaker:excuse me
Speaker:I go yeah
Speaker:ladies like you guys can't both be in there
Speaker:what's going on
Speaker:she for sure thanks for having sex oh yeah
Speaker:she saw my shoes and they're pointing towards you
Speaker:so like
Speaker:I actually buried my face into your penis at one point
Speaker:and you looked at the mirror and you were like
Speaker:oh yeah as a joke I was clothed you were closed oh
Speaker:just as a you know
Speaker:we did though we just we invited her in
Speaker:well we did
Speaker:she said you can't have two people in there
Speaker:unless you have a disability or need
Speaker:so the door open
Speaker:she says you can't have two people in there
Speaker:uh huh unless you have a disability or oh
Speaker:you can't try and close by yourself
Speaker:he needs assistance and Erica thinking fast says oh
Speaker:he just had a medical procedure
Speaker:points to my bracelet yeah
Speaker:you go yes
Speaker:and I had like a thing
Speaker:and you had all of your like medical bands still on
Speaker:and I was like I really am in here
Speaker:because I don't want him to fall over
Speaker:and she goes oh my God
Speaker:I'm so sorry you can stay
Speaker:I'm so sorry but the funny part is this
Speaker:like we high fived afterwards like yes
Speaker:I didn't have to leave yep
Speaker:and I totally could have like
Speaker:done stuff in the fitting room
Speaker:but we were respectful adults
Speaker:I just wanted to try on a bunch of sweaters
Speaker:yeah
Speaker:well you did need assistance
Speaker:you were fucked up
Speaker:I have no memory of that
Speaker:but at the time I feel like I wasn't fucked up
Speaker:that's the problem with this stuff that you take
Speaker:yeah well
Speaker:so I like being in the funeral with you
Speaker:and I thought
Speaker:it was cool that they actually let me stay
Speaker:cause I didn't want you to like fall over
Speaker:cause you were kind of woozy
Speaker:do you um
Speaker:speaking of like your penis and sedation and stuff okay
Speaker:well I was just thinking we didn't talk about like the
Speaker:what I thought was the funny thing
Speaker:when I asked you to tell me your deepest
Speaker:darkest secret oh God
Speaker:when you came out of the procedure
Speaker:and they wheeled you back into the post op room
Speaker:and you had like all your cords on with like
Speaker:medical stuff everywhere beeping
Speaker:and you're like am I okay
Speaker:and I'm like yeah
Speaker:tell me your deepest darkest secrets
Speaker:what if what if a listener said man
Speaker:you shouldn't do that to
Speaker:what if he says something that he
Speaker:he doesn't wanna tell you
Speaker:well so you and I had talked about this beforehand
Speaker:we're also very open
Speaker:so I think I know like your secrets
Speaker:cause they're not secrets to me
Speaker:what if something super embarrassing though
Speaker:that I expect you so much that like
Speaker:I was prepared to cut it off before you went there
Speaker:like if you ever started to be like well
Speaker:this one time that I cheated on I would be like
Speaker:I don't wanna know about that
Speaker:you would wanna know I think I would know no
Speaker:I truly
Speaker:it matters to me to not take advantage of someone
Speaker:I like fucking with you hard
Speaker:I know
Speaker:yeah it's fun
Speaker:but when you're able to take it
Speaker:and that would have been taken advantage of you
Speaker:so we had a set plan of like okay
Speaker:I'm gonna
Speaker:push it because I was supposed to videotape you
Speaker:we wanted to put I told you green light
Speaker:I didn't I gave you permission
Speaker:I give you I said green line
Speaker:and I would never done that if you're like
Speaker:oh please don't
Speaker:but if it ever got to like that point where I was like
Speaker:oh man you really did say something you didn't want to
Speaker:we talked about me saying okay
Speaker:we're done we'll table this for another conversation
Speaker:there's a body buried
Speaker:well if yes
Speaker:I would have fucking asked about that yeah
Speaker:there's some many there's a gray area though yeah
Speaker:obviously not that but do you remember the deepest
Speaker:darkest secret you told me
Speaker:I think so
Speaker:one of them was super super romantic and sweet okay
Speaker:so I didn't feel like it was a secret
Speaker:it was just a kind thing
Speaker:that maybe you didn't wanna tell me
Speaker:out of fear of like
Speaker:letting me down or embarrassment or honestly
Speaker:let's pause yourself out there
Speaker:let's pause just let people throw up okay
Speaker:and then you followed it up with
Speaker:I've got one more secret and I looked at you
Speaker:I've no memory of this so I've got a boner right now
Speaker:haha that's not true
Speaker:yes it is
Speaker:and you did your dick was hard and it was under the um
Speaker:the hospital blanket so I couldn't really see but you
Speaker:I laughed just like that and I go
Speaker:no you don't and you go yes
Speaker:I do Erica
Speaker:I do and I go
Speaker:why the fuck do you have a heart on right now
Speaker:and you're like clean Bill house
Speaker:I was just talking to you about like the
Speaker:the romantic stuff
Speaker:and I was just looking at you and I'm like
Speaker:nice fucking excuse and you go
Speaker:I just don't know what I've got
Speaker:I've got a fucking heart on
Speaker:and the nurse is coming back in
Speaker:and she comes back in and I'm like oh
Speaker:and you just grabbed your dick
Speaker:you put your hand over no memory hello
Speaker:that's all true I didn't feel yes
Speaker:I'm not messing with you but apparently
Speaker:your deepest secret after a colonoscopy
Speaker:is that you got a heart on okay
Speaker:well
Speaker:anybody nothing about it
Speaker:yeah there's nothing I could do about it yeah
Speaker:it's all a blur well
Speaker:you did change in front of me
Speaker:like completely naked like a rip off your clothes
Speaker:and I remember I go
Speaker:do you remember this part
Speaker:I have no memory wait for reals
Speaker:you don't remember no
Speaker:there's just you in the room or other people
Speaker:it was just me and the nurse is like okay
Speaker:like it's time for you to go
Speaker:do I have a heart on and you go
Speaker:or how do I do this
Speaker:and you started to try to rip out your IV
Speaker:just barely wow
Speaker:and you're like what do I do
Speaker:and I go no
Speaker:no no no stop
Speaker:she'll take care of it
Speaker:so she takes all the cords and IVs out and everything
Speaker:and she goes go ahead and get dressed
Speaker:this is right after your hard on comment
Speaker:so you rip off your hospital gown and your
Speaker:I mean it was definitely big
Speaker:and it was big it was
Speaker:you mean it was like a wrecked
Speaker:oh jeez
Speaker:it was like the middle one
Speaker:oh yeah
Speaker:it was like swollen but not like at attention right
Speaker:so like you would I could tell you definitely had one
Speaker:and you were like coming down okay
Speaker:and I go wow
Speaker:you definitely left with more than you came in with wow
Speaker:do you remember what you said to me
Speaker:you go yeah
Speaker:he's such a great guy
Speaker:I just asked him to add on the penis enlargement
Speaker:special when he was already at my asshole
Speaker:and I go I told you
Speaker:it's great when you get to have procedures
Speaker:from my best friends I did not go
Speaker:we got invited to my show haha
Speaker:oh no
Speaker:play
Speaker:my level of comedy goes down when I'm under sedation
Speaker:I mean I can't believe you don't remember any of that
Speaker:but the funniest part to me is
Speaker:I told you this entire story last night at dinner
Speaker:you did and you were like
Speaker:I can't believe I did I told you
Speaker:I don't remember being at dinner last night
Speaker:I don't remember we had steak
Speaker:you cook oh
Speaker:you mean at your house at your house
Speaker:I remember that I think when we went out to dinner
Speaker:holy shit I have more questions about hours later
Speaker:you asked what we had for dinner
Speaker:after you had cooked dinner
Speaker:it was yesterday was nuts
Speaker:yesterday was an absolute blur
Speaker:I have more questions but I'm afraid to ask
Speaker:coming up on the next episode of afraid to ask
Speaker:how to make cool if you double ruined it
Speaker:what the fuck I thought that was nice
Speaker:I just mean it's very nice and kind
Speaker:but it would have gotten in my head
Speaker:are you saying you wouldn't have told me
Speaker:no I wasn't gonna tell you
Speaker:you son of a bitch
Speaker:it would have gotten in my head and made this shit
Speaker:stop talking I'm so red right now
Speaker:oh my God I thought it was a good thing no
Speaker:no I would love my mom
Speaker:but you know I said different
Speaker:is that your mom same thing
Speaker:I have hung out with you in oars
Speaker:where my best friends have probed your asshole
Speaker:and I was fine with it
Speaker:but inviting 2 mothers to your show is the fucking like
Speaker:Nitus to our relationship ending
